It’s Not That Hard to be Green, Kermit. Get Real.

An open letter to Kermit the Frog

Kristine Laco

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Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Dear Kermit,

You famously sang, “It’s not easy bein’ green.” Poor thing. I get how it’s hard to feel different. But look around. You are friends with a bird, a trash creature, a bear, and a hook nose stuntman. Everyone is different. Different is good.

Besides, you have a girlfriend. It could be worse. You could be in a swamp under a rotten oak tree crying salty tears while no one hears you croak. Your girlfriend would be that fly you just sucked back as a snack. That’s what not easy means. You got this!

Besides, you have famous friends who visit you regularly. If it was, as you profess, not easy bein’ green, you would have no friends. Know who my friends are? My vibrator. I’m mad at everyone else.

You say you, ‘blend in with so many other ordinary things.’ Do you know who wants to blend in with ordinary things? Everybody. Literally. Every. Damn. Person. Suck it with your ‘I’m too much like everyone else’ bullshit. Be happy you don’t have to try smiling and calling people and being ‘pleasant’. That ain’t easy. All that trying to fit in is fucking demoralizing. Count your lucky webbed feet, Kermie.

You have an iMDb page, a fan club, a verified profile on Twitter, and memes. There are hundreds of memes will your punk-ass green face on them. Look, have some perspective, Kermit. Green privilege is real and you fucking have it. You have not struggled. Frogism is not even a thing. See it and understand. Maybe do some reading on the subject instead of spending your time having a Twitter battle with Chrissy Teigen you fucking entitled amphibian.

Sure, they canceled your TV show. Your movies didn’t gross in the billions. You have stopped being relevant at Fashion Week. But here’s the thing, you HAD those things. You had them large. Most people would be fucking grateful. But that’s not you, is it? You’d rather be more colorful like red, yellow, or (God help me!) gold so people don’t pass you over. You know who gets passed over? People who aren’t frogs that can sing, that’s who. You want to stand out like flashy sparkles in the water or stars in the sky? Look in the mirror, freak. You stand out. Boo fucking hoo!

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Kristine Laco

My middle finger is my favorite. Satire is my jam. Don’t follow if Laco-intolerant. BE COOL--SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER eepurl.com/hqpXiv