Does The Pandemic Remind You of Being Pregnant, Or Is That Just Me?

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

It seems long ago now that I was pregnant with my youngest being 17. But I started having flashbacks to a time when I was pregnant and concerned. It took me some time to figure out why.

I have distinct recollections of going to my OB/GYN and asking about certain strange things that were happening to my body.

I would ask.

“Normal.”

“Normal.”

“Normal.”

One day my doctor added, “Look. It’s all normal unless you lose a limb. That’s probably something we should discuss.”

I started embracing my body’s changes, and by embracing, I mean complaining until my husband started Googling, “Temporary Housing.”

Fast forward to today. Those strange symptoms I experienced while bringing an ungrateful human into the world are plaguing me again.

I have heartburn. So I googled, “Is heartburn a symptom of COVID-19?”

Don’t do that. Just don’t. Learn from my mistake.

The experts at Google told me my heartburn meant I was overweight. So what? I’m working on my cankles. Can you blame me?

Then I started noticing my real symptoms. The ones that indicated I might have a serious communicable virus. I had to use Dr Google because there is no book — that I know of — entitled, What to Expect When You Have Covid. Mental note: I might have to write that.

The symptoms I am currently experiencing are frightening. I’ve been asking Dr Google a lot.

“Yes. You have Covid.”

But, it might just be that you’re old and tried working out before you downed that big bag of Doritos.

“Yes. You have Covid.”

Or, could it be that it is winter and your house is as dry as your legs?

“Yes. You have Covid.”

Or, could it be that you have not spoken to a soul in months, including your family, and your vocal chords have seized?

“Yes. You have Covid.”

Or, could it be the reason you have not spoken to a soul in months, including your family, that is causing the headache?

“Yes. You have Covid. Or, you are just an asshole.”

That seems fair.

It appears I have Covid. I haven’t left the house except to walk the dog or get groceries, and I wear a mask and stay away from people because that is the bonus. I haven’t been tested because as my OB/GYN aptly put it, “Look. It’s all normal unless you lose a limb. That is probably something we should discuss.”

So I’m going with that as my diagnosis and rereading What to Expect When You’re Expecting. A fine read and I think I’m pregnant.

(If you have real symptoms of COVID-19, seek advice that is not my satirical look at the world.)

Mother. Satirist. My middle finger is my favorite. I stare out the window to create. Editing my first manuscript— which is why I’m spending time here.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store