If you take the outgoing President’s words, his ideas, his philosophies, and apply them to parenting, you have a rich tapestry of useless advice to bring to your home. Who better to parent our children than a child himself? So if you have a parenting problem, go no further than former President (that sounds good, doesn’t it?!) for your solution.*
And because I can’t stress this enough… This is satire. Do NOT use these parenting tips or repeat anything uttered by the Cheeto in Charge to your children. These are quotes or views expressed by the outgoing President during his time in office, presented here to highlight the ridiculousness of his views. Not like we needed the reminder, but in a different context, maybe some of the 73,790,979 people who felt he was good for the country for another four years, might see something new.
*WARNING: Using these parenting techniques will cause narcissistic personality disorder, anti-social personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder. They will also cause xenophobia, sexism, racism, sadism, insurrection, corruption, and possible (crossing fingers) incarceration.
#1 “Jimmy said I don’t look American.”
Tell Jimmy he’s from Kenya. I know it. He knows it. We all know it.
#2 “Jimmy said I can’t sit at his table.”
Tell Jimmy you are going to have a fort. It will be the biggest and best fort of all time and you are going to make Jimmy build it for you and design it so it will keep him and all his thieving friends out.
#3 “Jenny said I’m a loser.”
Tell Jenny she’s a loser and a horseface.
#4 “The teacher says I keep failing.”
Tell her to, “STOP THE COUNT!”
#5 “The teacher got mad at me at school, like really mad.”
Ignore her. She probably had blood coming out of her eyes or wherever.
#6 “The teacher said I have to stay after class and answer questions about stealing Jimmy’s lunch money. She gave me seven detention slips.”
Do not comply. Those slips mean nothing. Say nothing and it will go away.
#7 “My teacher said I drew the map of the USA wrong.”
Did you use sharpie?
Then it’s right.
#8 “The teacher gave me a zero on my spelling test.”
Let me see… Covfefe, that’s right. unpresidented, right. Honered, right. Hamberger, right. Noble prizes, right. Tell her those are all right. And I’ve been right probably more than anybody else.
#9 “My teacher says I can’t charge for tutoring. She says I have to know stuff and it’s misleading.”
Call it university instead of tutoring, then she can’t say anything.
#10 “People say I walk funny.”
Tell them it’s slippery.
#12 “The teacher said I failed my math test.”
What did you get?
“A non-zero number.”
You may have a case. I’ll call Uncle Rudy.
#13 “My teacher called on me to talk about the Constitution. She said the press is not the enemy of the people, she said your authority is not total, she said you can’t threaten people based on their religion.”
Has she ever read the constitution? I will gladly lend her my copy.
#14 “I heard you call my teacher. Did you ask her for a favor? That seems weird, Dad.”
It was a perfect call. A perfect, nice call. The most perfect call in the world. She’ll go through some things, but then it will be fine.
#15 “Can I have some money for lunch?”
Will a small loan of a million dollars be enough?
#16 “Look at all those people in Puerto Rico who don’t have anything because of the hurricane. Can we help them?”
Paper towels. We’ll send them paper towels to dry their eyes. It’s not like it was Katrina or anything — only something like sixteen people died.
#18 “The kids at school said I did some bad things.”
Tell those kids they’re human scum.
#19 “My teacher says you don’t believe women.”
Don’t believe her.
“She says you are mean to women and say mean things.”
Only if they are fat pigs, slobs, bimbos, dogs, or nasty.
“What do I do if a girl is any of those things?”
Scream, LOCK HER UP, then tell her to go to a good old-fashioned movie with a friend and chill!
#20 “Jimmy called me a douchebag, but Jenny said he has a right to free speech.”
The right to free speech does not apply to people you don’t like.
#21 “The news said the police were mean to that man.”
Look, kid. “Police make mistakes using deadly force in the same way golfers miss putts.”
“But isn’t that wrong?”
Not if you don’t add a stroke to your score.
#22 “I don’t like school. It’s so hard and I don’t want to do what they say.”
School school school school school. They test and they test. What they need to do is slow the testing down.
#24 “Jenny says I like her, but I don’t know.”
Her? Look at her. She’s like a 3. I don’t think so.
#25 “Jimmy said he wants to fight me because I only like white people.”
Tell Jimmy that I have friends standing back and standing by.
#26 “Why do we hate Rosie O’Donnell?”
Because she’s fat, a loser, and I felt sorry for her wife.
“She has a wife?”
Not any more. Just like God intended.
“Do we believe in God?”
I was holding a bible, remember.
“But we don’t go to church, and it wasn’t our bible.”
It was a bible, and I was at church. That’s all that matters.
#27 “Jenny is going to tell the teacher I touched her.”
Did you touch her?
Look, just give Jenny your lunch money, that will keep her quiet.
#28 “My friends keep telling me they don’t want to be my friends anymore.”
Just stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody, then you won’t lose any more friends.
#29 “My teacher thinks all I do is watch TV and play games.”
You’ve done more than any kid in history. You should be on Mount Rushmore.
#30 “I called the school newspaper fake news like you told me since they said I can’t lie. But, they keep saying I can’t lie.”
Try calling them dumb bastards next time.
#31 “I got in trouble for lying on our group project.”
Get some cute girl to tell your teacher you never lie, but cross your fingers when she says it.
#32 “My teacher says I have to take the flag off my locker.”
“The one you gave me with the X and the stars in it, like in NASCAR.”
Remind her she’ll get the lowest ratings ever.
#33 “Can you help me memorize my spelling words?”
Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV. For me it is easy. And that’s not an easy question.
#34 “Jimmy tried to hit me at school.”
I love him. He’s very special.
What about me though, Dad?
Look. I’m just saying there are very fine people on both sides.
#35 “I think I broke my foot playing outside with my friends and I don’t want to go to school.”
Don’t be afraid of broken bones. Don’t let it dominate your life, kid. I had a broken foot once and now I’m immune. Besides, if you go to the hospital you come out a drug addict.
#36 “Mom said …”
Repeal and replace everything your mom says!
#37 “Nobody came to my birthday party.”
Are you kidding? You had the largest number of people in history there.
#39 “My science teacher said the planet is burning up, and that’s why there were all the fires.”
Withdraw from her class! It will start getting cooler, just you watch. I don’t think science knows, actually.
#40 “Why do the teachers want us to wear masks?”
Because the doctors get more money if you get Corona and masks give you Corona.
#41 “Jimmy took a pencil from my locker today.”
Tell Jimmy, when the looting starts, the shooting starts.
#42 “What’s that enormous field over there with all of those stones and flowers and the big limo.”
Don’t worry about that, son. It’s just full of losers and suckers.
#44 “Jimmy says he’s going to make me pay for his lunch when you’re not here.”
Well, I told you so.
#45 “I failed history.”
We have a history in this country of marking problems. Your teacher stole marks from you. Want me to call Uncle Rudy?