45 Parenting Problems Solved by #45

Kristine Laco
7 min readJan 20, 2021
Photo by Jose M. on Unsplash

If you take the outgoing President’s words, his ideas, his philosophies, and apply them to parenting, you have a rich tapestry of useless advice to bring to your home. Who better to parent our children than a child himself? So if you have a parenting problem, go no further than former President (that sounds good, doesn’t it?!) for your solution.*

And because I can’t stress this enough… This is satire. Do NOT use these parenting tips or repeat anything uttered by the Cheeto in Charge to your children. These are quotes or views expressed by the outgoing President during his time in office, presented here to highlight the ridiculousness of his views. Not like we needed the reminder, but in a different context, maybe some of the 73,790,979 people who felt he was good for the country for another four years, might see something new.

*WARNING: Using these parenting techniques will cause narcissistic personality disorder, anti-social personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder. They will also cause xenophobia, sexism, racism, sadism, insurrection, corruption, and possible (crossing fingers) incarceration.

#1 “Jimmy said I don’t look American.”
Tell Jimmy he’s from Kenya. I know it. He knows it. We all know it.

#2 “Jimmy said I can’t sit at his table.”
Tell Jimmy you are going to have a fort. It will be the biggest and best fort of all time and you are going to make Jimmy build it for you and design it so it will keep him and all his thieving friends out.

#3 “Jenny said I’m a loser.”
Tell Jenny she’s a loser and a horseface.

#4 “The teacher says I keep failing.”
Tell her to, “STOP THE COUNT!”

#5 “The teacher got mad at me at school, like really mad.”
Ignore her. She probably had blood coming out of her eyes or wherever.

#6 “The teacher said I have to stay after class and answer questions about stealing Jimmy’s lunch money. She gave me seven detention slips.”
Do not comply. Those slips mean nothing. Say nothing and it will go away.

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Kristine Laco

My middle finger is my favorite. Satire is my jam. Don’t follow if Laco-intolerant. BE COOL--SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER eepurl.com/hqpXiv